He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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