Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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