Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
