you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
