kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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