It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My liver just had a heart attack.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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