Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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