here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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