His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
