I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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