I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
