I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
