i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
