How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
