Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
