So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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