Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
