i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
