as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
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