what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
don't judge my taste in strippers
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
