she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
