well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
