she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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