I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
