Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I smell like Dick and happiness
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
