it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize