I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
