there's paper in my vomit.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
