Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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