I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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