dude i'm inner monologue high
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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