I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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