Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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