My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
