My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
