Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
