My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
