Where is the hickey?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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