I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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