if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
