I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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