i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Randomize
