I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
