Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
