When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
