Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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