But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
