just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
They have beer where we have blood.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize