I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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