I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
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