I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
