Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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