I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
