Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
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