Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
