Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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