We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
