walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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