I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I love having hate sex.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
