weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
