just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
