That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
