I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Can I color on your dick again?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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