She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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