I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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