He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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