I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
