lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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