She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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