that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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