apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Houston, we have a squirter
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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