Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Why can't burritos get me drunk
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
