Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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